This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
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Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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