Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
