Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
