You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
