At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You ate ashes out of my bong
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
