Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
