shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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