I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
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I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
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I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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