the condom got lost in my hair
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
