I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
