Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
