So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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