At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
