Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
