I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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