I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
