No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
