I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
