I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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