he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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