Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
