The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
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Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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