So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.