I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.