Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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