maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
