Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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