You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
