We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
