If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
