I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
