haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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