I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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