It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's shark week go big or go home
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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