I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
