I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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