he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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