I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
