Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
