I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
