I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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