R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
