Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
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The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
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Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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