I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
