Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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