I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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