Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
