the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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