# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
