I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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