normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize