either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
