So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
