yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
