i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
