I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
